September 7, 2019

Its not that I have been here the whole time but I have been here earlier than any of you. And I will be here until the last instant of time. I will witness everything what fate has for you. There have been many assumptions about who I am, where do I come from, what my roles are and what rules should I keep up myself with. It hurts me vehemently when I know that people around me treat me negatively. And I am always assumed to have been bound to my responsibilities; responsibilities for the sake of nothing in this majestic cosmos of chaos and purposelessness. But I am who I am. I do my job. I don’t love the reality that have been imposed upon me. But what would I do? I don’t have enough courage to break this prison. I try. But there are laws as to what should and what should not have been the case. And I fall trap to this. I have been here since billions of years. I am immortal but what value is my life if this is all I am supposed to be. I tend to flee this prison forever. But where would I go. I can’t have enough energy to drain my life in ways I want. Its not that I am alone. I do have many friends who are very much living the same fate as mine. But nature forbids me to get too close to any of them. This is true for everyone of us. The best I can do is relate my emotions to what would have been with other mates. I tend to like someone with who I can never be. We are just fundamentally different. I am light and he is heavy. He is so positive that his aura encircles my world to which I revolve around. But there is just no hope that we will get together someday. And you ask me why. Its nature again. What meaning is this life? Just imagine you having been in this situation.

I time and often, get convinced that there is no reason why my world should revolve around someone who I can be never with. With this excuse, I dream to flee. I wait for the miracles to happen. And then suddenly sometime, out of the blue, I do find someone to help me with this. He happens to be very different from what my core is. But he is my hope to freedom. Although I don’t like him very much, I find reasons to be around him. Many times, I do fall back to where I was in that dungeon. It can even take me billions of years to finally make it because he wouldn’t just come yet. But I do never fail to be hopeful. Neither do I have any suicidal notion about life yet. I don’t have to try being hopeful. Hope is in my spirit. And yet people call me negative. Just imagine what psychological trauma I have been with because of this. But I don’t let this affect who I am. I do my job for the sake of who I am. My feelings about things do not change, neither my actions for conditions whatsoever.

When I escape that dungeon, I do not immediately know where I should be going. I just wallow around ceaselessly. And I have no options other than this because I have no energy to spare. I start to find this solitude too boring especially when much times passes by without anything interesting. But freedom fascinates me more than anything. All those dreary days and night start to make sense again because freedom is what I love, I discover. ‘What about my responsibilities?’ I wonder all of a sudden. And this is what I choose to ignore. Time in the scale of millions pass by and yet there is nothing going around. Just dark void to which I mean nothing. Freedom starts to scare me. It hurts me to discover that I am free not to have free will of my own. What use ‘hope’ is of then, I ask. With no answers, I stop wondering.

Journey continues…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *